My Blog

the lobby entrance is still closed
people walk around it
as if it’s a plague

now
everybody looks up
as they pass along side the building

including i…
pausing my step
as if in anticipation
of another falling exercise

a collective trauma
that’s what it is

witnessing a tragic end
of life …
that could be
so vividly horrifying

a dear colleague of mine was shaken badly yesterday
he just happened to gaze through the blinds
as the boy fell pass his window
he heard him scream
then a loud bump quickly after
this was from the 10th floor
 
he had been on medication
that prescribed a possible hallucination
he looked at the falling boy from his window
blue jeans and black shirt
almost like him that day
was that the prescribed halucination?
he started cold sweats all over
floating to my desk
pinch me! he said
look down with me!
tell me it’s not me!

oh, dear..
of course it’s not you
i said half crying

after braving myself to look down

it’s a real boy down there
with his brains
all over the pavement!

another colleague was horrified
he just happened to be at the front lobby
as the boy fell in front of him
with a loud bang
splash splash
blood sprouting

he worked on the 26 floor
so i called him
just to check on him
in panic he bursted
on the phone for a good 15 minutes
we never talked that long before
in fact
it was the first time i called him
in the good 2 years
we work in the same building

no, it’s not a good sight, dear!
he said…
i’m coming back up
just to chill my fright
we ended the phone

there went my lunch appetite
no smoking zone in the building was broken
everybody needed something anything 
to stay sane…

no more work that day
no body would want to stay
more than needed
people want to come home
soon…
to be with the ones
they cared about

no one wanted
anyone dear to them
to jump off any building 
at any given time
for any given reason

today
we indeed stop talking about it

perhaps in respect of his spirit
that’s probably still around ..

or perhaps
simply because life goes on
regardless..

-e

30 nov 2006

what went inside the mind
of a boy called yopie…

before shortly let himself fell free
from top of a 28th floor building

was it depression
that life was no longer an option

was it confusion
that living had become a halucination

was it determination
that death was the final resolution 

he let a shrieking scream
as he fell…

what was he feeling

regrets?
fears?
revulsion?

what was he seeing

his body, blood, flesh
bashed to earth
scattered…
into unrecognized-able
pieces of figures…
that were once
is still and will be
so dear to the ones
he knew…

thump thump
he went in a flash

people flustered
frettered…

the world stopped
for while…

mourning why…
he just turned 19
boy, why are you so hard
to your self?

- e
29 nov 2006

today u told me
i kept an angry person inside

shake it off!
u said

ssshhhhhhh
i said
cant shake her off now
dont wanna wake her up

ssshhhhhhh
i said
stop poking her out like that
she still needs to hide

ssshhhhhhh
i said
let her sleep for a while
it will calm her cry

ssshhhhhhh
i said
please…
do…
understand…
i just…
dont wanna meet her yet!

by Nirvana

My girl, my girl, dont lie to me
Tell me, where did you sleep last night?
In the pines, in the pines
Where the sun dont ever shine
I would shiver the whole night through

My girl, my girl, where will you go?
Im going where the cold wind blows
In the pines, in the pines
Where the sun dont ever shine
I would shiver the whole night through

Her husband, was a hard working man
Just about a mile from here
His head was found in a driving wheel
But his body never was found

My girl, my girl, dont lie to me
Tell me, where did you sleep last night?
In the pines, in the pines
Where the sun dont ever shine
I will shiver the whole night through
(sing it for me)

My girl, my girl, where will you go?
Im going where the cold wind blows
In the pines, in the pines
Where the sun dont ever shine
I would shiver the whole night through

My girl, my girl, dont lie to me
Tell me, where did you sleep last night?
In the pines, in the pines
Where the sun dont ever shine
I will shiver the whole night through

My girl, my girl, where will ya go?
Im going where the cold wind blows
In the pines, the pines
The sun, the shine
Ill shiver the whole night through

thank you very much
and call urself a friend

bring it on…
pour the acid to my sore

make me high…
sprinkle some generous drops
of that vinegar bottle over there

and wrap it right…
with a squeeze of lime
ontop

i will not shed a single tear, my friend
i will not crack the table and cut my hands

why are you pausing
to look at me…

why are you mumbling
to inquire my feeling…

please carry on…
with what you are doing

slay me instead…
stab me where the sore is
kill me again…
and again…
and again…

i no longer live anyway
it’s pointless what you are doing
get that right!

i am sorry dear
can’t talk to you right now
i’m busy
talking to the shadow behind you
whom i thought
was you
yes
this has been
an illusion

i cannot comprehend your laughter

you hide uncontrollably

reading me

in what i am

or what i am not

as you see

or as you dont see

i cannot comprehend the snigger

you put at me

as if i am not allowed to be

what i can be like

just like what you can be

or what you think you cannot be

in your mortal life

look at me

beyond this face

understand me

beyond this flesh

allow me to be

what i am

what i can be

what i might be

simply because

you will need me

to do the same

when your turn comes

to just be numb
to simply have no tears
regrets are just pains…

be strong…
have courage…

leaving the past
one step at a time
further away each day

learn…
the distance is not so far
u will make it there
soon…
as always…

just be strong…
have courage…
u will make it there
thru n thru

how do you heal suffer
if it is not yours to feel

dealing with your own
perhaps is so much easier
though not an easy road
but at least it’s yours to feel
it’s yours to deal
you’ll find a way through it

eventually

but how do you deal
with the suffering of others
one that you dont want to see suffer
one that does not need to suffer
nor deserve the kind of suffering
that life brings
sometimes

should you help sit through it
should you watch from afar
would it be enough
would it be too far
one would never know
one could only guess
enough is never enough
or far is not that far enough
your soul is sealed with dependency
is this how you deal
with the suffering of others
she is your mother …

"The purpose of life is to matter - to count, to stand for something,
to have it make some difference that we lived at all." - Leo Rosten

but dear friends
whether or not i count and stand into something
whether or not i matter to the world
and make a differrence at all that i live this earth
it’s a shameless fact that i’m still living and
breathing without knowing

so, shall i celebrate it anyway …
and yes, i did, i do and i always will …